Thursday, January 22, 2004
Things I Must Admit
Since the early January wedding of Miss Britney Spears, I have found myself falling head over heels in love with Jason Allen Alexander. You know, her ex-husband. I don’t know him personally and I don’t think that he and I have much in common, but the feeling I get in my stomach when I see a picture of him is one of a kind. I think that he is the most beautiful man I have ever seen. In particular, I love his shoulders, his height, and his adorable face; which is new for me as I have never been attracted to someone because of their face. I spent a good chunk of my morning desperately trying to find a picture of him with his shirt off. I have seen glimpses in numerous magazines, but nothing I can really take home and make love to. If you are reading this Jason, please understand that I am falling in love with you and fast. Valentimes Day is just around the corner. Be mine?
Hillary Duff has a new song that I just love. I have to say that I was a fan of “So Yesterday” and NOT AT ALL a fan of that “do a crazy dance” shit. But her new one…maybe it’s called “Come Clean”, I’m not sure. What I am sure about is that “when the rains fall down…” I smile so big and sing along. Clearly I am in fourth grade, with braces and pigtails. Does anyone have a pudding I can trade an apple for at lunch?
I masturbate at work. A LOT. In fact, twice yesterday.
I don’t like chocolate or ice cream. I just don’t. I used to be obsessed which is why I was Martha Dumptruck, but now the idea of it makes me cringe. What kind of American am I anyway? Willy Wonka would have slapped me right across my dumb face.
I always look at my poop when I am done shitting. Sometimes I truly marvel at the outcome and am impressed with my creative design. For example, yesterday I took a shit that had a coil that could have been stretched for at least 4 feet. No breaks. If there was a Trading Spaces for poops, I would be in high demand. Surely.
I would rather date a 50 year old man than an 18 year old boy. Hands down.
When I was 16 or so, I thought that Gaston (from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast) was the most beautiful cartoon I had ever seen. Multiple orgasms on that one. And I’m not even embarrassed by it. Go figger.
I won my 5th grade spelling bee by beating out 200 or so other kids. I WON. My parents rewarded me with The Babysitter’s Club #9 The Ghost at Dawn’s House. I then moved on to the 5th-8th grade spelling bee and came in 18th. I spelled “dessert” as “desert” and cried when they told me to leave the stage.
When I initially won the first spelling bee, they put a picture of me outside one of the administrative offices in the school. One day I was walking by the picture and heard a girl say “Ewe. That kid is such a dork. I hate him.” I was humiliated and ran away.
It’s VERY difficult for me to watch the Academy Awards and the Golden Globes. Most times I skip it and read the reviews. Deep down I truly believe I should be at those ceremonies and watching other people get their awards encompasses me in jealousy and sadness.
I was so afraid to take a shit in a public bathroom during my first week of college that I went for 8 days without one. I drove home that next weekend and sat on the toilet for two full days. I was impressed with my control, but immediately had to figure out a way to poop at school. Turns out, no one uses the bathroom at 4:30am.
Well, on that note, I am off.
Probably to jerk off to Johnny Bravo or some shit.
Since the early January wedding of Miss Britney Spears, I have found myself falling head over heels in love with Jason Allen Alexander. You know, her ex-husband. I don’t know him personally and I don’t think that he and I have much in common, but the feeling I get in my stomach when I see a picture of him is one of a kind. I think that he is the most beautiful man I have ever seen. In particular, I love his shoulders, his height, and his adorable face; which is new for me as I have never been attracted to someone because of their face. I spent a good chunk of my morning desperately trying to find a picture of him with his shirt off. I have seen glimpses in numerous magazines, but nothing I can really take home and make love to. If you are reading this Jason, please understand that I am falling in love with you and fast. Valentimes Day is just around the corner. Be mine?
Hillary Duff has a new song that I just love. I have to say that I was a fan of “So Yesterday” and NOT AT ALL a fan of that “do a crazy dance” shit. But her new one…maybe it’s called “Come Clean”, I’m not sure. What I am sure about is that “when the rains fall down…” I smile so big and sing along. Clearly I am in fourth grade, with braces and pigtails. Does anyone have a pudding I can trade an apple for at lunch?
I masturbate at work. A LOT. In fact, twice yesterday.
I don’t like chocolate or ice cream. I just don’t. I used to be obsessed which is why I was Martha Dumptruck, but now the idea of it makes me cringe. What kind of American am I anyway? Willy Wonka would have slapped me right across my dumb face.
I always look at my poop when I am done shitting. Sometimes I truly marvel at the outcome and am impressed with my creative design. For example, yesterday I took a shit that had a coil that could have been stretched for at least 4 feet. No breaks. If there was a Trading Spaces for poops, I would be in high demand. Surely.
I would rather date a 50 year old man than an 18 year old boy. Hands down.
When I was 16 or so, I thought that Gaston (from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast) was the most beautiful cartoon I had ever seen. Multiple orgasms on that one. And I’m not even embarrassed by it. Go figger.
I won my 5th grade spelling bee by beating out 200 or so other kids. I WON. My parents rewarded me with The Babysitter’s Club #9 The Ghost at Dawn’s House. I then moved on to the 5th-8th grade spelling bee and came in 18th. I spelled “dessert” as “desert” and cried when they told me to leave the stage.
When I initially won the first spelling bee, they put a picture of me outside one of the administrative offices in the school. One day I was walking by the picture and heard a girl say “Ewe. That kid is such a dork. I hate him.” I was humiliated and ran away.
It’s VERY difficult for me to watch the Academy Awards and the Golden Globes. Most times I skip it and read the reviews. Deep down I truly believe I should be at those ceremonies and watching other people get their awards encompasses me in jealousy and sadness.
I was so afraid to take a shit in a public bathroom during my first week of college that I went for 8 days without one. I drove home that next weekend and sat on the toilet for two full days. I was impressed with my control, but immediately had to figure out a way to poop at school. Turns out, no one uses the bathroom at 4:30am.
Well, on that note, I am off.
Probably to jerk off to Johnny Bravo or some shit.
